Peter Pan

This morning I received an email from my friend Chris. We met in the Army and more than nine years later he is now a lieutenant in the Air Force and on his second marriage. He is also a new father. Since he has been busy juggling training with new domestic duties, I don't get to hear from him as often but when I do a new domestic issue about life at home invariably snakes its way into the email and I feel obliged to josh him about this. He's beginning to participate in a once-a-week lunch series about being a good parent and his wife is attending some sort of counseling and the baby is in daycare. The last email was a string of jokes that could be expected from a bachelor.

However, I don't feel like eeking out a bachelor existence for the rest of my days and ever since having graduated from Indiana University, I have felt a bit uneasy about the direction of my life. I spoke with several professors and asked them to write letters of recommendation and when we talked about my plans they would tell me that I have everything to offer; however, I feel that I still haven't found my niche. I felt that way a little more than nine years ago.

Senior year of high school had rolled up on the scene without much fanfare and one of the things it brought with it was a recruiter named Davis who rang me up one late afternoon and asked whether or not I'd like to talk to him about options with the military. Unbeknownst to me at that point, I was a catch. I figured I'd go to IU the next year, study Political Science and History. Ha. The winds of dying summer also dropped a bombshell. I would have to go to IUPUI the first two years. I was not going to live at home for another two years, no matter what. Just wasn't going to happen. My mom didn't have enough money to send me to IU to live in dorms and party it up and most likely, I wasn't really ready for University life anyway. It would have been disastrous. So while 50% of my graduating class knew that the endless partying of summer 1996 would only be the preparty that would be college, I irked out a few shameful dollars scrubbing floors at a Hardee's restaurant before I shipped off to another eye-opening life experience: Basic Training.

Without being too harsh and getting too distracted by smaller details, I will say that my mom and stepdad didn't give me much guidance when I was growing up. I suspect that many children's parents do what they can to provide the greatest amount of exposure to the widest bearth of experience as possible for their children in order that they will have the greatest chance to find their niche as possible. I didn't have that luck. I grew up mostly raising myself and was responsible for most of what I came to enjoy. I was an awkward kid who never found a niche in high school and so I think that living in the dorms would have been a lot more frustrating than I could have imagined. Yet, I was smart but just didn't apply myself. The military was the best option for me. For the first time in my life, I realized that I could be damn good at something if only I tried. And I succeeded. I had my exposure and knew that there was a path there for me that would take me to success. Yet, I think that I have been forging along this path far too long. Whereas this gave me success in the military and other related employment, I am pretty sure this isn't my calling. Now, knowing a few foreign languages is obviously helpful and no doubt increases my marketabilitiy, yet, I feel as if I have shorted myself and what I could have gotten out of my undergraduate education.

When I first arrived at IUB, I realized that I was leagues ahead of the average freshman. I knew I had a lot to offer. I was more mature, older, worldly-wise, and knew what I wanted. It seems that many of those same kids have now blossomed and moved on past where I am now. In some respects, I wonder if I haven't taken a few steps back. The depression over three semesters did that for sure, but I am not sure if that was the only thing that set me back. Now this is where my little self-reflection post becomes a bit blurry, simply because I do not know what else to say.

Law school. Am I sure? I don't know. I know that I don't want to settle for my life being something that I don't feel at home with.